How I may interrogate your reality!

“While no single conversation is guraranteed to change a career, a company, or a relationship, any single conversation can!” Susan Scott-Fierce Conversations

The following conversation happened in an actual coaching session, however (as you already know) certain changes were made to maintain privacy…

Sarah: I have done everything that needs to be done, but I am very confused as to the outcome of things

Coach: What is really going on… (allowing Sarah to expand on what is causing the confusion, here a client is either getting stuck in a decision making process, or there is a limiting emotion that is holding her back)

Sarah: I have requested a raise and transfer at work,  I believe I deserve it , I stood up for myself in the evaluation procedure, I prayed, I made self-affirmations as to how i want this outcome to be… Yet I feel very unsettled

Coach: What is the fear (re-wording the client’s last sentence)

Sarah: Clearly, not to get the result I want…

 Coach: And what is it that might stop you from getting the results that you want.. (reflecting question, helps the client dig in deeper on what is worrying her)

Sarah: The managers… There is a power struggle there, they might take it out on me

 Coach: What is causing this lack of trust in them, did they do something to make you believe this about them… (to help Sarah differenciate facts from what she is telling herself)

Sarah: Not them, but people usually disappoint me… (Sarah now is talking out of a deeper place, even though she still doesn’t realize it)

Coach: Silence.. (to allow the belief that came out to settle in, and the shock of the realization to clear)

Sarah: Yeah, people disappoint me (she looks at me)

Coach: Who are those people? (to help Sarah  re-evaluate the generalization)

Sarah: Oh there are so many of them, from my weak boss to my friends… (the list goes on here..)

Coach: How does this make you feel?

Sarah: I feel like my hands are tied up….. I hate it… (here she  connected the feeling of needing to control to physical sensations… she also brought up a need to control the situation around her)

Coach: Is it that you NEVER get the results that you want?

Sarah: No, this is not true, because I generally AM very lucky and I do get what I want…

Coach: So what happens when you get the result that you want and it doesn’t turn out for the best after all

Sarah: This is a risk I am willing to take

Coach: So what I hear you say is that getting what you want, is more important than getting the best possible result (I say it as a statement, not with a question mark, so she would hear what she said)

Sarah: No its not, but if it doesn’t happen this way, it will confuse my plans again (irritation in her voice)

Coach: What might happen? (allow her to expand on her fears here)

Sarah: I will have to spend more time in the sales dept which is not that I dont like, its just that my manager…. I will give you an example… He is the first manager I had who is so week, but all of them disappoint me…

 Coach: So what you’re saying, is whether you have a strong manager or a weak manager, they all end up dissappointing you…

Sarah: Yyyyyes…

Coach: What about them dissappoints you?

Sarah: They are not “professional” (this is the term with which she describes certain actions that they do, it makes sense to her)

Coach: What is professional to you?

Sarah: Acting out with the best intention towards me regardless of the how it will impact them. (this allowed the client to come-up with the expectations of her inner child)

Coach: Do you believe that this is a realistic request from them?

Sarah: No, but I want them to always act in a way that brings the best to everyone involved…

Coach: Do you believe this is realistic…

Sarah: I want to be treated fairly 

Coach: Do you believe you are NOT being treated fairly

Sarah: No, but I generally don’t trust people in my company to act fairly with me, this is how it generally happens

Coach: How do you want them to act

Sarah: FAIR!

Coach: So…. Can you remember a time when you were being treated fairly… (basically asking how fair “looks” like to her)

Sarah: No…

Coach: Never…

Sarah: Actually yes, recently when all the employees had to re-do their evaluations… I was able to successfully defend mine with the top managers, and when i spoke to the director at the beginning of last year about the issues that were going on, he …. (she goes on and on) 

Coach: So, people at work are sometimes fair to you

Sarah: People are usually fair with me (her face changes into realization)

Coach: (smiling) Are you willing to affirm this a few times a day in order to replace the old believe with which you chose to see the world earlier…

Sarah: Yes… People at work are fair to me… I like this new belief

Coach: How does it make you feel? (bring in feelings to help her affirm them)

Sarah: Freer… Like something has been taken off my chest… (she opens her hands, they don’t seem to be tied up anymore)

Coach: Then say it….

To permanantly dissolve limiting emotions (fear, guilt, feelings of being stuck)… realize how personal the underlying thoughts are, and allow someone to challenge them… if friends or family do nothing more than affirm what you are thinking or add to the emotional baggage… find yourself a professional best friend (AKA a Personal Coach

ruba