Secrets of happy couples: Exploring Boundaries 2

photo ©Alban Sublet– all rights reserved

The last few weeks were unbelievably powerful, this subject of boundaries opened a Pandoras box for both me and everyone (clients and friends) I have discussed it with. So much insight coming out which I am not sure has enough space here, but moreover mind blowing results and transformations, as if this one key unlocked the domino effect..

I will start with the results and we can check out the reverse engineering from there on:

1. One marriage which was stuck in sexless, egotistical power play for 7 long years, yet looked pretty perfect on the outside except for the occasional blowouts, was totally healed, as the wife created boundaries as to what works for her and grounded herself, her partner was free to explore his own grounding and surprised her with his own, self driven transformation. Prayer, kindness and continuous forgiveness should be considered here.

2. A daughter who was constantly (stuck in the middle) in her parents arguments, was startled at how her mother grew stronger, and her father mellower and kinder as she created boundaries around her own feelings and need to interfere, they rose to the challenge unlike what she would have imagined.

3.  A mother daughter continuous bickering is turning into mutual appreciation.

4. A relationship with the in-laws is completely transformed, and has inspired the son to also start creating loving-boundaries as I like to put it, with his parents.

So if boundaries are so transformational why do people initially and strongly reject them, some of the things I heard were:

1. They sound too harsh.

2. It will require that I set an ultimatum which I am not sure I am ready to do.

3. I don’t like it when someone sets boundaries with me, I feel so unloved and pushed away.

4. It seems I have enough boundaries with my husband, the truth is I want more intimacy and less walls!!!

All the above indicates how much we have missed the point with regard to boundaries, we confuse them with the walls we had to build in earlier relationships in order to retain a bit of independence when we were not allowed boundaries or the harsh pushing we felt from our parents or close friends when they started to reach their limits (again because they had no boundaries and started to get drained from all the giving).

The next post will explore what boundaries are and how do you start writing your own personal boundary script.

 

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